i haven't been myself lately.

well i have been, but the worst version of myself. and it sucks.

i just haven't been ... happy. not that i'm normally ms happy to start with, but this funk i've been in, man it just wasn't pretty. i think it was partly because of the workplace i not-so-affectionately refer to as the dungeon. The other parts? I don't know. I've just been feeling...dissatisfied, frustrated. At...people and life in general? i haven't quite been able to put my finger on why.

i don't like the person i've become. this sad, cynical person. i've been told i appear to be sadder recently, by more than one person. i've been told i've lost the 'sparkle'. if only i could wave a wand and make everything okay again.

i've been trying to change though. this past week. i've tried to be happier. i was asked if it was acting or if i really was. i don't know the answer to that. but...fake it till i make it? also have been trying to cut back on the swearing. lol. that's...ongoing.

----

i've moved on.

----

i know i consciously pulled away from you. but now, a couple of months on, i feel like we are back in this place again.

there is this inexplicable pull....am i just imagining everything?

from this conversation i had at dinner the other day....i feel like i (we?) are at this point. this do or die point, if you like.

is anyone going to make a move? or are we going to just let it pass us by.

from different people, i hear the same thing. would i? the answer is probably yes.

god i don't know. on one hand, i don't want this. i don't want to complicate things. on the other, i want to see where it will lead.

ah crap. i want to think that i am reading too much into everything. i want to think that there is something there?

i don't know what i want.

i wish i wasn't so chicken.

---