oh god the dramaaaaaaa.

how's that for an opener eh? ;)

yeah. my life is now like a tv show. fml.

-_____-;

what did i ever do to deserve this.

goddamn i need a holiday so bad.

i haven't been myself lately.

well i have been, but the worst version of myself. and it sucks.

i just haven't been ... happy. not that i'm normally ms happy to start with, but this funk i've been in, man it just wasn't pretty. i think it was partly because of the workplace i not-so-affectionately refer to as the dungeon. The other parts? I don't know. I've just been feeling...dissatisfied, frustrated. At...people and life in general? i haven't quite been able to put my finger on why.

i don't like the person i've become. this sad, cynical person. i've been told i appear to be sadder recently, by more than one person. i've been told i've lost the 'sparkle'. if only i could wave a wand and make everything okay again.

i've been trying to change though. this past week. i've tried to be happier. i was asked if it was acting or if i really was. i don't know the answer to that. but...fake it till i make it? also have been trying to cut back on the swearing. lol. that's...ongoing.

----

i've moved on.

----

i know i consciously pulled away from you. but now, a couple of months on, i feel like we are back in this place again.

there is this inexplicable pull....am i just imagining everything?

from this conversation i had at dinner the other day....i feel like i (we?) are at this point. this do or die point, if you like.

is anyone going to make a move? or are we going to just let it pass us by.

from different people, i hear the same thing. would i? the answer is probably yes.

god i don't know. on one hand, i don't want this. i don't want to complicate things. on the other, i want to see where it will lead.

ah crap. i want to think that i am reading too much into everything. i want to think that there is something there?

i don't know what i want.

i wish i wasn't so chicken.

---

I'm slightly sad, but I walk away knowing I have no regrets.

I gave it everything I had, and I wouldn't change a single thing. :)

Perhaps you would.

It wasn't easy but I was happy. If only for a short time.

I have changed, for the better.

I was ready you know. To lay it all on the line.

But that's ok :) I am ok.

No regrets.

so i have a while to decide if i should be nice...or not so nice to a prospective houseguest. the traditional asian values instilled in me say i should be nice. but the rebel in me says screw that shit. lol. gone are the days where i 'respect' you because you are older/wiser than me.

yeah. screw that shit.

because. i have not forgiven you for that shit you pulled. i still remember.

and now. look at you. pfft. what goes around, comes around, eh, bitch.

when it comes to relationships, it is my opinion that trust should be way up there on the list of What Will Make It Last. Trust and fidelity, ya know? 

i have come across quite a  few people who freak when they see their other half talking to another person of the opposite sex. start getting all clingy and start marking their territory in public. seriously? when this is me they are talking to. i fail to see why and how i am a threat lol. i should be so flattered. or maybe they treat everyone like they are going to steal their man away.

logic and love. do they even belong together in the same sentence? can one in love be logical and rational? or is the very essence of love doing what your heart and not what your head says?  

i suppose that having one controlling/possessive/dominant person in the relationship works for some. perhaps some actively go out looking for a dominating personality. i guess, happiness is defined differently for different people.

well. the two times where i felt the MEOWR-stay-away-from-my-man vibe coming from the females; those relationships have since broken down. as for the third and most recent time (this is what inspired these thoughts), i do not know if she is in a relationship with him. but that whole vibe. meowr. while we were a small group of people out of a room full of people. god it was so weird. i could pretty much hear the hissing and unsheathing of claws. personally, i find it a hugeeee turn off. but as i have already said, different strokes different folks.

ahhhhhh. i don't know. weird random ponderings on a sunday night.

okay figured it was time for my first june update. lol. this is getting tiresome isn't it?

so. switched rotations a couple of weeks ago. it's been...okay. i find myself gravitating towards my old rotation though. wtf. i was itching to get out of there and now i don't wanna leave? i think it's more to do with me being used to the "old homiez" wtf, and not all that familiar with the ways of the new peeps. wtf. yeah i am down like that. lol okay i guess if i was gonna be honest there's another reason why i am still sticking to the old rotation ....

i dunno what's been up with me these past couple of days. maybe it's the new work environment that is slightly frustrating me. the work is okay..i really want to do this work i was given but fuck me it's hard. i think it's a partial mental block, a partial lack of experience-i just don't have a clue how to do this shit. ... oh wells.

today was a surprisingly good day. partly because i was in a total cbf mood and went out for lunch for 1.5 hours. then couldn't take it anymore and organised impromptu LETS GO TO DRINKS GUYS at 4 lol. it was fun. and much needed.

jeez. 3 whole paragraphs on work. it does take up the majority of my time i guess.

well i guess the next most exciting thing is seeing someone i hadn't seen in... god...2 years? 3? i don't remember. it was a bit weird. i dunno, i am unforgiving like that. did he expect me to welcome him with open arms? no, that wasn't going to happen. but hey i got lots of good food out of it so meh all is good. when i first meet people i give them the benefit of the doubt and with that my trust. but more often than not things don't work out and after that...well.... it's hard to gain that respect and trust i gave the first time.

god there was something else i wanted to talk about but i don't remember anymore! am i getting too old for this crap.

oh yes. i remember now lol. random catchup with some people...oh..a while ago now. you know i didn't know what to expect because, well, we were going to someone's house - this guy i did not talk to all through high school... so no idea what was going to happen. but it turned into such a good night. what was worrying though is that i had apparently agreed to this so-called plan but i had no recollection of it whatsoever. O_O how is this happening. but i digress. point is, people do surprise me, sometimes. pleasantly.

like how there's this guy at work (yes i know work again sigh) - but the point is i was very "..." about him when i first met him. like.... yeah. not a highly positive first impression. but then he surprised me when my whole team left me alone wtf to go to this team meeting thing that i didn't know about.. he was the one who came and got me. surprise 1. he then got me a plate so i could get food. surprise 2. then he came over and talked. surprise 3. all of which are positive. first impressions aren't always accurate i guess? i am open to revising my impression of him...

yeah ok i think that suffices for a june update yeah? :D

what is this. an update in the beginning of the week. yeah that's right.

this is what happens when you spend all day actually doing uni work as opposed to real work. you get home and can't be stuffed doing any more uni work. coz i have all of tomorrow to do it :D...yeah. man, coding in R is so freaking exhausting.

why am i writing here. i don't know. guess i am in a pretty good mood this evening. i feel like talking to someone, but there's no one around wtf why is my life so sad like this.

i think it has taken awhile for people to show their true personality. and i feel glad that i've stuck it out this long...the un-pc-ness. the random comments. shiet. who knew. i never expected it to laugh so much. i did not see this coming. but. i can't push it so hard. and i have to keep my distance...

anyways. today i feel very proactive. my god. i have been proactive lately. organising lunches and whatnot. okayla to be fair "organising" just involves an email/text..haha. :/ but today. i organised myself going to collections :D yes. show initiave, maybe they'll show you a raise. mmm. the power of positive thinking!

errr. yeah.

currently having a convo about hot women. er...ok...

my first rotation is nearly coming to an end. i have mixed feelings about it really. on one hand, woohoo, to the nice new building with the cool lifts!  different things to learn. new people. on the other. new people. yeah. i kinda like my team lol. i have come to accept them as they are, eccentricities (hell i know i am guilty of a few of them) and all.

***

i feel like something's changed lately.

is this just a figment of my imagination? i hope not...but i have been wrong before.

i dunno, this is all quite exciting, i guess. (until i find out i've been wrong hurhurhur why am i so cynical)

***

the first semester is coming to an end! i'm happy, but wtf, 50% essay is due soon. and 20% presentation. sigh. i'm worried how there is so much weighting on one essay!

man. i'm so screwed.

but who cares right i have a job. *consoles self*

***

why is so cold. bah.

so it was graduation on friday. the only thing i was really looking forward to was the day off from work really. everything else was pretty..meh. but yeah, what did i expect. -_-; no planning no nothing. lol. and a 430 pm ceremony wtf. i wanted to go see a couple of lecturers who i got to know quite well... haha. at times i think they are a *bit* too comfortable around me. O_O; but ah wells. i looked like a tool for a day wtf. and it was pissing down for most of it. i couldn't help feeling a bit like sheep for some of it. "go to your bay" "line up according to your numbers" etc etc.

dropping by work was a random one. hahahaha. wtf possessed me to do something like that. sigh.

but the after graduation festivities were the most fun i've had in a while.. :D

finally getting to sleep at 4 then waking up at 8 to go to uni..was not.

reread my last few posts. i sound so disorganised and barely there. really really bad writing haha. but meh. whatever la kan? the people who are important already know the relevant details.

i wonder how long i'll be bothered keeping this blog alive. ...

i am so bored. haih. when you're busy you wanna have nothing to do. and when you have nothing to do... zzzz. why is the human psyche so weird. -_-; maybe i should have gone and done psychology instead right wtf. i guess the upside of this nothingness is how much i managed to accomplish for uni. right.

in the last week i encountered what can only be termed "social retardation".

i went to introduce myself right.

"hi my name is..."

and the reply. "hi, your eyes are really red".

wtf.

do you go up to someone you have just met and say they have a huge zit on their face or they have an ugly shirt or insert other random mildly/somewhat insulting statement.

wtf.

yeah i just had eye surgery. i'll put 2 lasers through your eyes and see how red your eyes are.

"oh. and you didn't go blind?"

no you numbnut, if i was blind would i be standing here talking to you.

SIGH.

-__-;

in lolspeak, i say: HALP.

anyways. i have been making an effort to swear less HAHAHAHA. because apparently i have an "anger problem". PFFFT.

i don't if there's anything. or if it's all just a figment of my imagination. sigh. -_-;

who knows lah.